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(no subject) [Apr. 30th, 2006|11:17 am]
i love sundays, i hate that tomorrow is monday and i know there will be drama but sundays are relaxing usually, do i want to do , get refocused and organized for the week ahead. i've been cleaning , organizing and throwing things out today, boring as it might seem it feels very therapeutic to me. I'm a horrible pack rat and it needs to stop, if i havent worn it in the last 6 months hunny its not going to happen so i'm giving it away.. Another reason for this little frenzy is i feel great, i ve been pretty consistent with the working out and its showing.. My moods have improved at work dramatically i've been very laid back and easy going.. We were short a drama queen on friday so i was able to get out of my office and interact with patients more, d told me i was actually better with the patients then our missing drama queen.. Because i like people and it makes me even more certain i'm in the wrong field.. No offense to people that work in offices but i cannot be stuck at a desk all day with no interaction i enjoy talking to people and helping people.. So i'm looking into fields that will help me do that , such as speech or occupational therapy.. Definitely want to stay in the health care field, just be more proactive about my role in it.
I just got back from the gym feel great~! no i just need to get the eating undercontrol, baby steps :)

"True silence is the rest of the mind; it is to the spirit what sleep is to the body, nourishment and refreshment."
– William Penn
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run forrest run!!!!!! [Apr. 23rd, 2006|12:45 pm]
[mood |bouncy]
[music |yeahs yeahs-gold lion]

its been awhile but this girl just finished her first 5k! woohoo must be a runners high or something because i feel fantastic!! I had two goals, to finish, which i did, and not to stop, which i i achieved as well.. my dad wants to run another race in 2 weeks i figure what the hell.. This could be the beginning of something really great.. It also has boosted my confidence to an all time high, i set a goal and achieved it.. Now i can do that in other aspects of my life, such as moving, career and weight loss :) hope everyone has a fantastic sunday!!
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freedom [Jan. 22nd, 2006|12:32 am]
So mom had her surgery , it went well, she had a harder time recovering than expected but shes home now so thats good.. I went to see her today and i dont know if its her surgery or the pain meds but shes been very open with me, so i returned the gesture and told her what i was really feeling inside and that i wanted to leave this area, and she seems pretty happy for me, she told me that theres nothing holding me back and family shouldnt hold me back, now is the time for me to explore and travel. I feel so good right now, lighter in a way because i was honest and it felt great.. I can deal w/ the bs at work as long as i know i have a goal in mind for myself. So i've decided i need to make finding a new job/apt a priority, just like a second job, i need to work on it a little bit everyday, just like i need to make time for exercising, b/c i went to the gym today after a 4 day lapse and felt awesome, it feels good doing something for myself for a change.. I know that i m suppose to be in this area for a little more just so i can help out with the family, my mom is actually letting me help her surprise surprise!
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12 simple secrets of happiness [Jan. 7th, 2006|12:49 pm]
[mood |confusedconfused]
[music |pj harvey- is this desire]

I read this book about 5 years ago when I was going through a particular tough time with a friend, it brought me peace and strength at the same time.. I deserve happiness.. Right now I'm at a loss at work & home.. I"m finally standing up for myself and i find myself very lonely at times.. It hurts but I know its what needs to be done.. I was trying to talk to a friend of mine about whats going on and she wasnt listening kept bringing it to herself and i found myself stepping back and thinking why the hell do i even try?? Because thats what i do, i dont want to be known as a quitter, so i' continue to try and help ease others pain and problems by helping them find solutions when i cant even help myself.. So rather than exhaust myself 24/7 why dont i pursue this desire in the form of a career? I've tried talking to people about this and people just look at me like i'm crazy, am i being too deep? Whats wrong with trying to find yourself and what you want to do out of life?
Paul love him to death gives me that same deer in headlights look, wants me to figure things out for the both of us.. I wanted to do a little weekend getaway, no work, no worries kind of thing, asking him where he wants to go is like pulling teeth.. I dont want to be the cruise director 24/7..
I feel like no one gets me, and this very discouraging.. I've definately outgrown this area for sure, theres no challenges at work besides the drama, same sh** everyday, i'm bored out of my mind.. Recently its come to my attention that one of my closest friends could have been using me for the last year to get ahead, and i dont k now how to handle the sitatuion, maybe the this book will help.. She left early yesterday and i realized how faster the day went by, and that everyone was so lighthearted, i get along w/ just about everyone but when shes there its like she brings out the negativity, shes constantly the little devil on my shoulder pushing me to eat out at lunch and drink versus going to the gym which i should be doing.. I'm all for a little naughtiness every once in awhile but i think friends should want the best for you, not drag you down w/ them.. So as a result i've done kind of shitty with my diet this past week, no i'm not blaming her, but i'm blaming myself for allowing myself to get sucked in, i did so well for 2.5 weeks, lost 7 lbs damnit, i deserve it.. Or when my part time boss asked me to pick up another job and said it would help him out, i fall for that all the time, i wanted to scream what the hell about me, its not always about you .. Yesterday at work ashley was extra hungry and wanted me to run and pick up some chips but its the way she said it, like trying to guilt me into it, no i'm working bitch you can go and get your own damn food.. I dont want to play games, whats wrong with coming to work doing your job well and feeling good about yourself?? Although i did help an elderly lady yesterday get her prescription approved so she paid 20 dollars versus 130 for her medicine.. I like helping others but not when people take advantage of it, its almost better to help people that dont know you and truly need it..
My dad asked me to run a 5 k race with him and my bros and i think that will be the motivation i need.. And the fact that my mom is going to need me for the next 6 weeks, i've decided to take some time off from work to help her out and lighten the load for my dad a little.. I'm trying to be strong for my family but honestly i'm scared shitless.. its my mom moms are not suppose to get sick, and for some odd reason i'm spotting or something pauls getting pissed that i dont go to the dr but everytime i go i get the same answer, journal this and come back, then they change my prescription yet again.. i dont have the time for that
off to workout!
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(no subject) [Oct. 2nd, 2005|10:18 am]
here's what I am doing on a beautiful day

5 snacks I enjoy:
1. Popcorn
2. Doritos
3. Chips & salsa
4. string cheese
5. broccoli, summer squash

5 songs I know all the words to:
1. Precious things- Tori Amos
2. City- Interpol
3. Masters of War-Eddie Vedder cover
4. Bootylicious :)- Destinys child
5. Dont Give Up- Kate Bush & Peter Gabriel

5 things I would do with 100 million dollars:
1. Pay off debts for my family & friends
2. Go back to school
3. Give it to charities close to my heart
4. Buy a home in maui
5. Volunteer

5 places I would run away to:
1. Maui
2. New York City
3. Italy
4. Ireland
5. Australia

5 things I would never wear:
1. shoulder pads :P
2. fur
3. leather skirt or pants
4. tourist shirts-state name written across the front
5. capris- do not look good on me!

5 favorite movies:
1. Gladiator
2. Something to Talk About
3. Finding Neverland
4. Under the Tuscan Sun
5. Harry potter movies

5 bad habits:
1. Eating too much
2. Not getting enough sleep
3. Pack rat
4. watching too much tv
5. Poor money management

5 biggest joys:
1. friends/friends
3. pets
4. travel
5.helping others

5 favorite toys:
1. computer
2. spinning peguins at work
3. ipod
4. pedometer cant leave home w/out it !
5. ipod adapter for my car

5 fictional characters I would date:
1. Sayeed
2. Mulder
3. colin firth- jane austin books
4. sawyer
5. cant think of anyone else!

5 people I tag to do this:

Do it if you haven't done so already :)
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choices [Sep. 24th, 2005|09:23 am]
[mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]
[music |ryan adams-wonderwall cover]

its been awhile.. I always feel better when i journal and workout but sometimes responsibilities get in the way :(.. I've picked up some more hours with the part time job this week which will be good in my check but it wore me out but I need to look at the long term goal.. The quicker I save up the more likely I can make a move for a better job.. Its not realistic of me to believe that I can change my situation at work.. I'm done trying.. I'm done working for someone who doesnt respect or value me for what i do or what i bring to the table.. Ideas should not be shot down constantly, or guilt trips should not be given for standing up for myself.. Now hes playing favorites with the new girl, I know this game, it doesn't bother me, what bothers me is shes getting paid to stand around and do nothing, and I found out she makes more than I do.. So I will play nice, do my job to the best of my abilities just to cover my own ass for the time being
I'm not sleeping well at all and i know its due to stress.. An opportunity to travel to santa monica was presented to me by the company that sent me to arizona.. I got one of the 4 slots for the northeast region, i was so shocked and excited.. Now it seems that its not going to happen.. I'm sad, but realize that the company is going through a lot of changes, they're laying people off, one person in particular amy i'm really bummed about because we work well together and shes such a good person.. I'm also glad i didnt decide to work for that company, but i think deep down i feel like thats telling me not to leave the safety of this job.. And i need to get outside that fear, i' m letting it control me, in a sense letting my boss control me even more, that should get me moving just for that reason alone
I talked to paul and hes willing to move wherever we need to go to get a better life started.. He believes in me thank god for that.. I'm lucky to have people in my life like that..I think i'm scared of failing or picking the wrong job again , and for some reason i cant let him see me fail.. He got upset with me b/c i didnt call him at work, he thinks that i dont care about him.. That hurt so badly to hear him say that.. I'm trying to give him space, thinking he'll get sick of me and it backfired in my face.
A coworker/ friend has gone to mobile, al to volunteer her time and expertise, i feel grateful to know her.. Shes an inspiration.. I wish i could do the same, she thinks that when she comes back she wont be able to continue working at the drs office b/c of the shallowness after witnessing the destruction and devastation of katrina.. When she told our boss she was going, he didnt offer her any help at all.. H and myself were the only ones out of 10 people, to me thats pathetic.

Something To Think About....
Your life is not an accident.
You are where you are because of the choices you’ve made.
The good news is that you can choose to make better choices and take your life where you want it to be.
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(no subject) [Aug. 23rd, 2005|09:23 am]
[mood |melancholymelancholy]
[music |bright eyes-no lies just love]

I'm tired, trying to set up boundaries with the people close to me is very draining.. I actually said no to my mother this weekend and she was taken aback.. Then gave me the silent treatment.. I know i'm doing the right thing, because good things do not come easy and i cannot keep on going on as everyones doormat.. I do at work as well.. its so frustrating.. it does hurt a little to know people were around more when i was doormat versus when i actually stand up for myself
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damn hororscopes! [Aug. 11th, 2005|10:04 am]
Think about how much great stuff your body does for you every single day. Now the question is, what are you doing to take care of it? Are you eating right? Exercising? Getting enough sleep?
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(no subject) [Aug. 5th, 2005|09:16 am]
1) Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2) I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3) I'll pick a flavor/color of jello to wrestle with you in. (Maybe.)
4) I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5) I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6) I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7) I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8) If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written.
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daily grind [Jul. 28th, 2005|09:51 am]
[mood |draineddrained]
[music |last samurai soundtrack]

i'm bored at home and at work.. Theres no challenges at work same sh**day in and day out.. Same drama, no one can hardly have a peaceful easy going day.. That seems odd to me.. Theres nothing driving me, i feel as though i'm in adead end job and arelationshp, i'm usnure of my future in either situation and that irks me.. I tried talking to paul twice this week, told me to stop freaking out.. If he cwould justs listen to me i'd be find, but isntead acts like i'm being a drama queen, the pressure i feel to take care of everything at home and work is becoming overhwelming .. I feel tried, a nd sadd.. The dr just came in asmed some stupid mundane question and i just wanted to cry.. Tomorrows pauls birthday so i need to get my act together, i t hink i'm just goign to look for a therapist, maybe they could give me some insight how to get my point across.. I feel as thought i dont matter at home or work, netiehr man listens to me.. Paul admitted last night that he likes to aggravate me b/c he likes it when i'm amd, i'm all fiesty.. i dont want to use my passionate nature for anger.. i feel very defeated right now
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